what is this world coming to?

senseless ..... this morning i read the front page news about the young recently married s'porean lawyer who was murdered in the mumbai attack. read liao eyes also water...it's just so senseless....

as i type this...my fren tellg me on msn that she knows the lawyer and is quite affected by it n can't sleep properly....life is fragile indeed.....so stop fussing over the inconsequential things and just live...look at the state of things...pple are losing jobs....dying......we should all be happy with what we have, frens/family/job even?

heard this top trade strategy this week:" long unemployment, short morale". haiz.....seems like this will be in the money for awhile...

the loser takes the fall?

I think my mental/emotional health is at risk....
tamade.......nabei.........wtf.............................!!!!!
if i could drink i'd down a couple of beers right now.......
felt like throwing in the towel today......
what's the point of all this stress......
tired n frustrated......
makes me wonder if i'm really suited to carry on with this crap........
walking away would be too easy......
staying is giving me heartache n grief......

confirmed

so it's confirmed.....to "niao bu shen dan dao" pea will go.....i've mentally adjusted and accepted......carry on carry on......life goes on.....just hv to spend more time standing in mrt....

don't sweat it

this week didn't bring good news, heard that a long time family friend of my mum's who is a cancer survivor and had a masectomy 20+yrs ago suffered a relapse and had to do a second masectomy, to add insult to injury, even after this operation, her cancer blood cell count is something like 24/29....while we may not be medically in the know enough to really understand what that means, but from the sound of it, it points to 'oh shit indeed'.....what can we do...what can we say....you might have everythg but if you don't have the health to enjoy it then .....

wake up call hopefully for my dad as well who's blood sugar is high and is borderline diabetic...not funny if he continues eating like a big kid....mum's understandably concerned and naggy and i also kena the side bullets and try very hard to stay out of the firing range...

i suppose....when i look at the big picture....we really shouldn't have to sweat the small stuff and it's almost allllll small stuff in the wide canvas of our life.....work....where to stay....what to eat....millions of other things we fuss about daily....all small stuff....mum said we all gotta go one day...it's a question of how u live determining how u go......so......how do we live....how do we go.....?

kang kor feeling

today pea just can't talk with folks, it's like they r damn frus and m the available punching bag....maybe i m being stubborn....maybe i'm really being selfish (quite an unbelievable comment coming from dad) ....folks alternately taking shots at lil ol' me.....ok ok...i surrender....altho in my heart still got the damn kang kor feeling but looks like in this battle, i've lost n can't fight the two pple who gave life to me....looks like to 'niao bu shen dan dao' we go.... =(

Lil' miss lovely

thanks to the dear smiley/frenly/sweet girl who made me my morning cuppa.....and helped me start my work day on a nice note....=)

Quietude....

I'm reading yet another book and I these paragraphs got my attention...

"The resting place of the mind is the heart. The only thing the mind hears all day is clanging bells and noise and argument, and all it wants is quietude. The only place the mind will ever find peace is inside the silence of the heart. That's where you need to go."

" People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Problem is, we just can't let it go."

In case your wondering, no i'm not being emo, and no it's not a self help book. The book is about a woman's travels to 3 countries and the stuff she experiences/learns along the way....

How to live....

I just watched a 1hr16min long clip on youtube, think we all need a reminder every once inawhile.

valuable lessons from Randy Pausch's last lecture:

• We can't change the the cards we are dealt but we can change how we play our hand
• wait long enough and people will surprise you, find the best in everyone, no one is all evil, just keep waiting, people will show you their good side.
• if people piss you off, you just haven't given them enough time (i'd try to remember this)
• brick walls are there to let you prove how badly you want something, they let us show our dedication
• never lose your childlike wonder
• help others
• loyalty is a 2-way street
• We can' t get there alone, believe in karma, tell the truth, be earnest, apologise if you screw up and focus on others, not yourself
• Don't bail, the best gold is at the bottom of the crap
• do the right thing and good stuff has a way of happening
• Show gratitude
• Don't complain, just work harder
• Be good at something, it makes you valuable
• Be prepared, luck happens when preparation meets opportunity

Lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself, the dreams will come to you.

freaking 24th of July....

today don't blog bu ke yi, it's so amazingly fucked up....
today is rather significant, coz i think i've come a long way since 10yrs ago.
today i got the keys to my new house, I may be just a part owner but hey it's still a rather big deal to me.
today i had to 'fly aeroplane' to my dinner apptm coz was in a really bad mood + pms + abit emo + kena whole load of shit i had to clear at work all coz dear fabulous problematic fart man decided it's not impt to use his brains at work and left a big ugly mess while he went away to HK for biz cum pleasure trip (which shld've hv been my privilege but let's not nit pick here...), ey wait...maybe that's not fair of me to say that...maybe he really doesn't have much of a brain to use in the 1st place.
today my dad called me to ask me to run a ridiculous errand during my lunchbreak when he was out playing golf/mahjong with his friends, sorry loh, i felt abit bad about turning it down flat but my time is worth alot more than that and i really don't have the luxury of disppearing from office as and when i like, besides collecting the keys to my 1st house is way more impt.
today i worked from 7.30am to 7.30pm...12hrs straight...ok 11hrs...discounting my rush lunch hr break to collect keys....i didn't even have time for lunch.....just munched on some chicken tenders from BK at work in between my cussing and swearing under my breath....

thanks SY for accompanying me for dinner...that was like the most pleasant thing that happened today....after dinner thought wanna take cab home....taxi queue super long coz it rained...wah lau....

boy am i glad the day if over and done with....

how do i get to....

twice this week...on the way to work...walking from mrt to office building...i've been stopped by strangers asking for directions.....there are alot of pple in raffles place..... this is s'pore's army i'm talking about....every morning...i witness the wave of continuous heads going up the 3 side-by-side escalators at the mrt n the lagging throng of pple inching their way to get to the start of these escalators..n i think to myself...this is really s'pore's (financial) army....

so back to the question why ask me for directions? either there are alot of pple who are simply just lost....or i really look like i know where i'm headed....why stop me when u can stop the dude in front or behind or walking almost shoulder to shoulder beside me?

I wish i knew where i was headed....

space

ok...so the wkend is over again.....couple of thoughts....
1) camping in comfort at my parallel universe fren's house was rather enjoyable...thks for having me!...

2) we r definitely not as young as we used to/or would like to be...... coz after just 2 late nights in a row, i feel like my whole body is protesting....the tiredness is not something that i can shake off.....and the thought of yet another loooong work week ahead ain't helping....i think i need a solid solid massage to knead out the kinks n the aches.....

3) space...or the lack there-of.....my folks understand i need my space...as i'm typing this, i've conquered a desk in a corner of the living room and so far no one has come near me...think i'm emitting this 'leave me alone or i might bite your head off' vibe....besides physical space.....i think too much noise just gets to me.....i need to be able to hear myself think...even if i am just stoning...i need to hear it.....it's therapeutic...i like my own thoughts....noise....esp of the kiddy sort...causes my brain to go into involuntary spasms n cramps n leaves it in a permanently knotted headache mode that only 2 panadols might alleviate....not funny....

I might sound ungrateful...but unless u grew up like me....u wouldn't get it..this need for personal space..i'm thankful for my folks...that we hv a place to crash in even while we take our time to sort out where to move to next....i just really really hope....it has enough space.....

good grief

the source of much grief ....n veins threatening to pop in the neck.....for my folks the past few days....i think kids in our time were a much easier bunch to manage....

bali breakdown

this sunday i'm really feeling the low....of the impending full work week ahead...the beautiful escape is over...the surrealism of last week has died down...back to reality.....is there a better way? we were back just this week but it feels like months ago....life cannot get back to normal....the heart and spirit is restless....

i need another distraction.....another holiday.....another escape.....another something......this must be what mild depression feels like....

whatz the solution? if i knew i wouldn't be here still....

siow liao

as of next mth.....i'll be having 2 very young n boisterous cousins visit for a freaking 1.5mths......it doesn't help that our current living space has been more than halved.....already i'm feeling like my folks are getting in my face and cramping my style.....add 2 more kiddos to the mix.....ohhh no no no....pea is soooo not liking the very idea of it......

big cork

now now..get your head outta the gutter, it ain't what you're thinking...

i need to requisite for a very large cork, seeing that foul air is still being let out in the office, now almost daily, i really need to get a cork n the help of a good pair of hands to shaft it up his rear end. And since this arsehole is a rather large one, pls get me a supersized one....failing which maybe a hitman will do a much better job?

hiaz....the shit i put up with....

North-ling...

night #5 in my temporary new north-easterly home. Actual distance to town seems shorter, unfortunately travelling time via bus/mrt is just as long ley. bummer. Since it's still about 1hr, i'd much rather travel eastwards. Maybe I'm just used to the east la. Don't think i have much of an issue adjusting to new home, after a false start on sat when i woke up at 8am due to construction noise, it was back to normal on sunday when i managed to sleep till 10.30am, that means my system has adjusted pretty quickly.

Work is droning on and more stuff seems to be piled on my plate. The annoying farker let off another one of those major stinkers of a fart today in office. As with people, sometimes it's the silent ones that are the killer. wah lau ey, some decorum would be much appreciated loh. Either have the decency to walk outside to the toilet or shaft a freaking cork up yours!...nabei.... >=(

doctor i am not

today i found out from pea mama who found out from a neighbour that in my estate lives the ceo of a big well known s'pore medical group...and also in another house a top oncologist in one of s'pore's hospitals....wah....my 1st thought was :"wah..so 'powder' ah".....mum said :"all top guns(while holding up thumb)"....to which i told her very much tongue in cheek:"your daughter top dealer in f****s" wa ha ha...=P

selamat datang ke bali....?

ok ok.....it's booked.....i finallly decided that the additional cost for the ticket is worth it...to buy my peace of mind...that i'm secured to go for a 5day holiday with a bunch of fun pals....and i can leave the real world behind for awhile...we'll all suffer post-holiday blues for sure when we get back..but heck it right....life is short...work hard..play hard....

dix will buy me a drink (i dun want beer bintang) and shuyi will buy me makan =P.....the rest are welcome to chip to blanjah me other stuff ....heee heee...i feel so lurvvved...haa

over and out...

I wish you exciting times ahead

Today i listened to my philosophical doctor as he drew my blood.....expounding on the virtues of living a peaceful life. How in the ancient 3 kingdom story, the enemy would tell his opponent:"I wish you exciting times ahead".....meaning wishing upon his opponent a time of turbulence and war....doc went on to say that when he was younger...he dreaded mundane tasks...considering them boring...but now he cherishes these times as he feels that he is more at peace now....no need for unneccessary stress and excitement.

What's worrying is that I am at least 20yrs younger than him but already share his some of this feeling.

Today I also packed another section of my past 20yrs into a cardboard box. some things i found I don't even remember I had/kept, so figured there'll be no loss to throw them out. With this downsizing of space...there's only room for the essentials....old photos however, really brings back memories and makes me wish i could turn back time....I miss the pooches... leslie the jap spitz and sa-kwa's the one doing the doggy yoga.

a piece of pea

recently i've been feelg disgruntled again....ya ya..so what's new....it's like everyone wants a piece of me...n there ain't enough to go round....especially today....something's gonna give....n my piece of mind is the 1st to go....haiz

what can i say ...concentration just not there..lapse in judgement...

my new catch-phrase: " dot dot dot...smiley face :)
when really boh weh kong n have to grin n bear it...

surprisingly i actually don't feel as bad as i think i should over today's incident. ha...think it's the boh-chapness in me that is acting up liao...

... :)

The good ol' days....14yrs later....

The good old days - taken in 1994

The good days now...with a new addition.....taken yesterday ..5Apr 2008, it's a rare photo op that we just couldn't let slip, will definitely have more chance now that our dear bay bay is coming home...All looking good I must say! =)

concerts n kopi

been a rather busy week...thanks to my parallel universe friend, we got to attend the maroon 5 concert which was really loud ..and really good...ears were still ringing the next day...

attempted to blade on sunday, got one blade on n it started to rain, so what was meant to be an exercise session turned out to be a sit down la kopi session...weather's been rather crazy.

It's time...

Did some clearing of stuff, found a collection of at least 10yrs worth of old cards/letters, some so old, i don't even remember the person who sent it, many from very good friends who have seen me throught thick and thin, some so sentimental, reading it still brings tears to my eyes, it's time however to be out with the old and in with the new... This is but a small selection of the overflowing-shoe-box-full collection I acquired. In this day of electronic mail and greeting cards, it's gonna be a dying trend. Somehow, technology still can't beat the self-penned thoughfulness of a card.

Ah well...into the trash it goes....think it's good to clear the clutter...in every sense of the word....to move forward...to probably a smaller place with lesser space....for renewal....for clarity of mind and heart..."shi(4) shi(2) hou(4) le(4).....

ka lang ka bok...

what a strange few days....thursday was dam ka-lang-ka-bok for me, overslept and had to rush....only had time to brush teeth/wash face/pee before heading for work, amazing i still made it on time. Half way thru the day tho' my phone konked off, the battery was flat, must've been becoz the screen was flashing for half an hr in the morning for some strange reason...feel so lost la, think we really depend too much on our mobiles, gone are the days we can recite most of our friends numbers.....i also think i'm 'losing it' abit coz such things don't happen to me one loh....abit thrown off centre type of feeling.....haiz...also dunno what to say la...at least no harm no foul la...

Also found out that after mama pea's pep talk, she also voiced her concerns to my adoptive folks, who tried to act blur (I hope successfully) and act surprised and field questions regarding my self imposed situation....must be some pre-mature old age crisis mama pea is going through la.

Feel so drugged out lethargic these last 2 days...today can open eyes at 9am, then roll over sleep somemore...open eyes again at 10am..then roll other side n sleep somemore...finally woke up at 11am to princess' phonecall to jio us over for a rare pasta treat. =)

what is the best thing to do on a cool, rainy saturday? make a cup of hot tea....kick back, relax and watch a dvd....

where will pea go?

It's done it's done...after some anxious hrs waiting on the part of a kanchiong papa pea....pea's ulu home is sold today....so in 3mths....pea's home of the last 19yrs will be no more a 'home' to pea. Quite sad actually, will definitely miss this place....will make the most of it before we move..... A foodie gathering is in order.....date to be confirmed....let it all sink in first....thank you to my 'adopted' dad for a job well done. As a true blue fisherman would say "nab shot!" ;)

in the essence of this mantra a good friend once lived by "what will pea do?"
it's now a question of "where will pea go?" ...

changes

change is in the air.....
i think this yr is a yr full of new surprises and changes......carpe diem should be the rule to live by.....on a different note, kena 'pep talk' by mama pea today....she was thinking out loud that she's worried that i might grow old alone. said it's best to have a partner or failing that to stay with a good friend. (i was thinking can keep a pet dog what..heh..but thought i'd better keep that thought to myself) . She also said i should take action n be abit aggressive (**grrrrr*** : !!!) haa... that boys nowadays won't do the chasing, so if i see someone i like i should make the first move....(i think I need a club to clobber the guy n drag him back to my cave or somethg?...)
all this just when i thought my folks were pretty cool with things...ah well.....if i start calling u guys, don't panic ok? maybe i just need room and board when i'm old....

Happy Ren Ri!

Was one of the first few hundred on the s'pore flyer...so lucky hor, those corporates really paid an exorbitant amount for clients to go up n loh hei high up in the sky in capsules with funky blue lighting which makes all the food look rather unappetising.

Lion dance in office today was rather entertaining, the lion spat out the vege which nearly hit me so means I should have super duper good luck this yr....huat ah!

of stairs n casinos....

Gong hey fatt choy!
It's now 12noon on the 1st day of CNY. I'm sitting at my desk at work. The only one here in this bank that is spread over at least 6 floors.
Been here since 8am, have finished archiving emails, re-writing my messy address book, ate my cup noodles, tv is on, nothing much to watch, got cable but only those news channels so not very helpful either. Received one phonecall that is some weird cheena recorded message, so i just hang up. Normally wouldn't log in at work, but i've got 4more hours to go.....so might as well do something.

Couple of nights ago, I again had a damn weird dream. Wanted to blog about it but couldn't find time till now.
I dreamt me and at least 2 others (faceless in the dream, not sure who) were leaving my ex-collg house warming gathering. Instead of taking the lift, we took the stairs instead. As we got nearer to ground level, the look of the flats started to change, from very new, pleasant looking clean flats to dunk and musty, dark looking staircase landings and old old wooden doors. Remember feeling rather un-nerved in the dream so made haste down the stairs.

Finally got to the last series of steps and it ended with a door. When i opened the door, i saw before me a huge room, kinda like below me, in a huge pit sort of. And the best part is, this room is full of pple, it's actually a casino!!! And there were no steps to get down to it, so instead you gotta kinda take a leap and sort of glide weightless over the people's heads and land somewhere near the front glass doors. Then the dream ended or at least that's what i can recall. Haaa...Dam weird.

Relief.

M glad the day is over, it was busy and frustrating ....frustratingly busy?.......but at least i feel exonerated. Ming nian hui gen hao, huat ah!.

Pissed & mentally pernad pea

it's already almost 1am....i'm still feeling unsettled from my work day, which ended up being really messy and irritating. Made a couple of error judgement calls which landed myself in a rushing and juggling act to handle 2 parties of visitors and got myself involved in a trade issue which really shouldn't have been picked up by me in the 1st place. *grrrrrrrrrr* Maybe i'm just looking for someone to blame (probs collg of course who else n today feel like blaming boss n broker also) or i'm really losing my better sense of judgement n concentration. Maybe it's like what i heard once, you can be good at something that is not right for you. I just need a break from all this crap. It really shouldn't be so complicated n stressful loh. I can't decide if I feel more irritated or maligned, just feel like wah lau dam 'bu zhi de'.

As for bonus, at least i got some, but pardon me for appearing ungrateful for i feel that the 'cost' personally for me is too high. So that's why i don't feel the least bit ecstatic. Haiz.....how to make things better? I think there are pple who, unlike me, are totally stress-free and they are oblivious to the stress/extra load that the pple around them have to bear to compensate for their perpetual ignorance-is-bliss state.

To quote an ex-teacher, i feel abit like i'm 'caught between the devil and the deep blue sea'. Of course, being a diver, i'd choose the deep blue sea. Think it's time for a trip soon. I need to block out this world even for just a little while. Thank goodness for the wkend!

shedding round 2

ok now that i got some colour back, i'm peeling again....i think i might've been a snake in a past life...

Anything but sedate...

what a roller coaster week at work, as it is, 2 person shouldering 4 persons work was already siong enough, throw in the crazy week the stock markets had this week, it's a real formula for exhaustion. I was working up to my eyeballs trying to keep afloat, even the good news boss had for me ended up to be a rather non-event as i really didn't have time to sit down n digest it. i think he went away thinking that i'm probably not a very appreciative person.

The week was further marred by the re-emergence of an old health problem that is like a stumbling block that drags me down. Just when i think i'm getting better it rears it's ugly head. It's frustrating and I only wish there was a quick fix solution to make it go away for good. I don't think quitting is a solution and the only thing is to try to 'take things easy'. well as we all know that is easier said than done and character wise, I don't think i can do it la, i'm abit more 'im-cheem' and proud to act an idiot at work, i already have to handle my fair share of those dudes.

*yawn*.....i'm just back from my slowest 20 lap swim ever...trying to exercise and soak in some sun while not jacking up the heartrate. I think being under flourescent lighting and facing 4 radiation-emitting screens all day is making me look rather pale and greenish. So today was good, at least i think i got some colour back...

Sedate

i've been advised by my doctor to re-evaluate my life and perhaps migrate to australia or new zealand and/or opt for a more sedate/sedantary lifestyle, probably at the cost of lower pay in order to gain better health. I think I'm sedate enough, anymore sedate i'd be six feet under. Besides, I find it hard to envision any job that has zero stress. Think the only way to go about it is to not work at all. For that however, i'd need money, which means i gotta find someway to strike toto/marry well. Either of those options materialising, might actually cause me to have a heart attack, which essentially means a different type of stress, so.....not really solving the problem either ey? =P

Slither

I'm shedding. Shedding dry flaky skin. Snakes shed their skin when they outgrow it. Does this mean I'm growing taller? (probably just wider) . I look like I have a bad case of whole body dandruff. Gotta avoid wearing black for awhile. It's 'snowing' at pea's plc but it's nowhere near as cold. haaa...=P

happy 2008!

m back from a 3wk vacation to LA. Didn't quite make enough money in vegas thatz why have to come back to this life...haa..
trying to adjust back to the humidity with my nose blocked and fighting jet lag, been staring my computer for the past 2hours while stealing glances at my comfy bed (eyeballs aching from the multi tasking)...but noooo...gotta tahan till tonite.

Tis was a rather chill out (10-15degrees weather) trip with quite abit of shopping n eating thrown in for good measure. I even ambitiously brought my running shoes which i got to use all of ONCE in the 3 weeks..heh...ok ok maybe twice...2nd time coz i used it to go up bear mountain to go tube-bing...quite fun. For the most part the daily most challenging thing i had to do was figure out when to brave the temperature n take a shower. Now that i'm back to a brand new year...gotta start planning things to look fwd to eh? kaleebso? when??????? safari when???? strike lottery when????

Merry xmas n a happy new 2008 everyone. Huat ah! =)